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    Tuesday, March 03, 2009

    It's One Of Those Days

    I can't get a grip today. There will be lots of tears today. I can tell when it starts out first thing in the morning that things are just going to go downhill, and fast.

    It started last night. I had just settled in for a nice book and a warm blanket, when Sean came calling me downstairs for a surprise. Of course I couldn't resist, so I marched down there with much anticipation. I had received a letter! I love mail. Inside this letter, was a simple bracelet. It immediately sent me over the edge.

    It was my mom's. It has a "P" and a bee on it. She used to wear it all the time. Meg is so sweet to think of me, and knows how much I need to feel close to her. So this meant crying myself to sleep last night. Not an unusual occurrence. But it's the waking up with tears flowing that makes the days hard. There just isn't much that can get me up out of this funk on a day like today. Better to just stay inside and not have to face the world.

    Have I mentioned I hate being a grown up? Some days I think I can't deal with it all. I think it's just too much to handle. I hate all the hard decisions, and the despair that comes along with being grown up. Things seemed so much simpler before. Before what? I couldn't exactly say. Before I moved away, probably. Before she died, certainly. You know my first reaction after the strep diagnosis yesterday was to pick up the phone and call my mom. I knew exactly what she would say. I could practically hear the sympathy in her voice. There is no one to call that can take that place.

    People my age shouldn't be dealing with the loss of a parent. Especially the loss of a parent in such a manner as hers. I know I'm not the only one that has had to do it, but some days it feels like I am.

    Sorry for the pity party. It's just one of those days.

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    20 Response(s):

    Jill Johnson said...

    Its ok to have one of these days. Just stay in bed and get it out. Tomorrow will be better. and the next day even better. Sometimes we have to have them it is all part of that horrible word, GREIVING. Love you. Hang in there.

    Meg & Josh said...

    That's it, no more surprises for you if you are going to cry yourself to sleep!

    Being a grown up is hard. There are many days I wish I could go back to the way things were before. I promise there will be a time when we look back at this and think "how far we have come".

    Sorry to hear you are sick. That is all you need, right? Hang in there. Just take it one day at a time, and remember that I love you SO much!!

    Miss you.

    Nurse Heidi said...

    Some days are like that. If you lived out here, I'd bring you a loaf of wickedly awesome bread and a tankard of chocolate to sustain you. Hang in there, friend.

    Kalli Ko said...

    hang in there. order up some dvr and a diet coke.

    Kylie said...

    Keli, I'm so sorry you have to feel that pain! You are in my thoughts and I know it will get better for you! I definitely wish I could bring you cookies. :)

    Stephanie said...

    It's ok to have a pity party. Hang in there and enjoy the memories you have of your mom.

    Eliza said...

    Definitely OK to have a pity party, as long as there are some treats involved and hopefully hugs too. Who ever gets over losing someone so close? I'm thinking of you today.

    lomelindi said...

    You are in my prayers. I haven't lost my mother and I don't really know you, but I have lost my father (abandoned all of us), and I lost a baby (born too soon), so I have a little idea what your grief is like.
    Losing you Mom is so hard. You are not only grieving for the loss of her, but for the loss of you. You are no longer any woman's daughter, you don't have that comfort and solid rock of love just a phone call away. I am sure your faith helps, but some days you are just going to have to give in to the grief.
    On another happier note, thank you so much for commenting on my blog. you really made my day. I was feeling a little blue and was having a bit of a pity party and when I saw your sweet note, I got so excited! Someone read my blog!!
    I haven't had the nerve to tell family and friends I am blogging, so you are the first feedback I have received. You really turned my day around and I am grateful for it.

    Phoebe said...

    I am sorry Keli.
    I say give in and enjoy the pity party. Maybe invites? Party favors? Everyone could leave with a 6 pack of DC! Sometimes we just have to ride it out, even though the ride is terrible.

    Shar said...

    Sorry for the rough day! I hope tomorrow is a lot better for you!

    Mom2my9 said...

    Your post really moved me. I lost my father 5 months ago and I STILL always want to call him to ask how to make bean soup or tell him some interesting political news. It's too sad! Also, I lost my first husband 4 years ago, when I was 34, leaving me a widow with six kids ages 2 to 15, and I remember (so does my mom and sister) what it feels like to go to sleep crying and wake up and you're still crying. But take heart. Crying is good for you. There are actually hormones that make you sad that come out in your tears, leaving space for the happy hormones to come into play. Cry and get it out. Time might not completely heal all wounds, but it does make them better. I promise...

    Miranda said...

    I wish I could give you a big ol' hug. I didn't know your mom. But I'm pretty sure she was just as cool as you. I've learned a lot about her thru your blog. She was a beautiful lady. What does the bracelet look like, do share. xoxo

    Ogden Family said...

    I'm sorry to hear that you're having a crappy day. Go ahead and indulge in the pity party and hopefully tomorrow will be better.

    ClistyB said...

    Girl, knock it off with your party for one. You have a CRUISE to go on. Unless you want me to take your place, that is...

    Kathie said...

    I wish I was wise enough to come up with a comforting thought, but I'm not so I'll send a HUGE HUg your way!!!

    Linda G. said...

    I don't think I've ever commented on your blog, but I read it all the time. And I personally know about your loss. Your entitled to feel however you want. There is no manual for this. No rules that say, "Okay, Keli you have exactly 4 months to get over this and never feel sad or miss her again. Do what you feel. If that means you stay in bed with a big box of tissues and some yummy junk food, then thats exactly what you do...

    Larissa said...

    I'm sorry Keli. Soon you will have your siblings close by to enjoy some nice warm sun and beach. Relax and regroup. I agree that being a grown up is exhausting and intense! And, unfortunately, I have pity parties for myself all the time. Everyone's entitled. Hang in there.

    Stacy O said...

    Being a grownup does suck! And you are right, we shouldn't have to deal with the death of a parent at an early age. It should be law-you have to be at least 80 before a parent passes away. Okay, maybe 90.

    How special to have the bracelet.
    Big hugs. :)

    grannybabs said...

    I don't think there is any age when losing a parent will be okay. My mom is 88 and I love her dearly and want her around!

    My dad has been gone 9 years - I still miss him.

    And being the grown up is tough - I remember the earthquake of 1987 here in Monrovia - I was aghast - I'm in charge of protecting these 3 little children - one of whom I was nursing when it hit!

    I feel the same way about being a school teacher - you are in charge - for good or ill!

    So I hope you just wallowed - that's the only cure!

    The Roberts Family said...

    Hey Keli! So, I am going to have to stop reading your blog, because every other one makes me cry my eyes out. I am so sorry for all that you guys have had to go through. Life just isn't fair.

    On another note... We are in Vegas. I will have to have Jill and her family over for a BBQ or stop by and see them sometime!