Custom Search

Twitter Updates

    follow me on Twitter

    Monday, March 09, 2009

    Biggest Girl

    The other day, Gretta woke up from her nap and she was soaked. Sometimes this happens when she falls asleep in the car, and I can actually move her into her crib without her awakening. The problem with this is that the diaper she is wearing usually needs changing, but no way in Heck am I tempting nap fate with that one. It's just a risk I'm willing to take.

    So she's wet. I change her, and her crib sheets, and the zillion blankets inside it. She likes it when they're all clean, she says they have a "rate mell", translated that means great smell. And they do. I love Bounty.

    Fast forward to that night. Time for bed. Jammies on, prayers said, tucking in has commenced. Problem. No crib sheet. Or zillion blankets. Still in the washer. Hmmm. So I get this crazy idea to tell Gretta her crib is broken. She has to sleep in the bunk bed. Bottom, of course, what kind of mother do you think I am? She agrees, I tuck her in, give her a book, an extra pillow, a little blankie, and her glow worm.

    I leave the room fully expecting her to return to the balcony asking for her crib. A few minutes pass, and nothing. Hmm. I settle in to watch some DVR'd shows, thinking certainly as soon as the plot gets good, she would poke her head out. Nothing. So and entire show goes by, and still not a peep. I see this as two things. Very good, as in she is sound asleep, and happily making the transition to a big bed, or very bad as in she has found the lotion and is becoming Degas on the walls as we speak.

    So up the stairs I stalk. Quietly quietly. This girl is the lightest sleeper in the world. I open her door ever so slowly, expecting a whiff of lotion or wipes or anything naughty kids would find to occupy their time. Nothing. I peek around the corner of the bunks, and sure enough, there lies Gretta, snug as a bug in a rug. Sound alseep. In a big bed. It was a miracle.

    So for three nights now, her crib has been "broken", and she is fine with sleeping in the big bed. I worrry a little because there aren't any railings holding her in, but she hasn't fallen out yet. And even if she does, it's only a few inches to the ground, so I doubt she'd really care. Now the discussion. Do we take apart the crib? Or find another body to fill it?

    On a different note, let me just tell you. I am in the midst of the worst depression I've ever experienced. I cannot for the life of me get above it. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had to say the opening prayer at church yesterday, and I completely sobbed through the whole thing. The opening prayer, people. It went pretty much downhill from there for the rest of the day. We bailed out of church and decided to take a drive into Wisconsin to see if I could relax and compose myself. I cried for 3 hours. I am on new meds, and even a supplement of a relaxant, but still, there are times when even the simplest of tasks seems overwhelming. My kids think (know?) I'm crazy, and they're tired of me always yelling at them or crying for no reason.

    I don't know why I'm telling you this. Maybe I just need to get it off my chest. Maybe I just need to have another pity party. But this isn't really a pity party. It's more than even Post Partum Depression. It's more than anything I've ever felt. Someone actually told me it's because of the time change. Yeah, genius, I'm sure I've been depressed for weeks because of the time change. Idiot. Maybe I just need some advice on how to get over it. I've turned to many sources. Friends, prayer, prayer, prayer, and even had a friend over last night for a priesthood blessing. I just don't know what else to do. When will I finally learn the lesson I've been given?

    Whatever it is, I know big girls aren't supposed to cry.


    14 Response(s):

    Kate said...

    Awww....hang in there! Things will get better. You know I am always available ;)

    Kalli Ko said...

    who cares if they're not supposed to cry? they do it anyway and sometimes it feels good...

    keli i'm feeling for you and i hope that light at the end of your tunnel flicks on soon. HF is mindful of you whether or not you feel it at the moment.

    here's hoping the meds kick in soon... i'll be thinking about you.

    Larissa said...

    I cry ALL the time. Broke down Friday actually. I feel like the worst mommy in the world. I ask myself the same question daily, "when will I finally learn the lesson I've been given?"

    It's okay to cry. Life is intense and difficult. Keep staying on top of things like you are. Things will turn around. Kalli's right. Heavenly Father knows your needs. Keep close!

    Wish you lived closer...we could have a big crying party and invite those that wanted to come. I bet it would be a hit and I bet we would end up laughing instead. Friends are awesome! One of my favorite scriptures is D & C 121:7-9 "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
    And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.
    Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands."
    Sorry I'm so wordy and you! Hang in there.

    Kirsten said...

    Hang in there Keli, we love you!

    Tami Allred said...

    I honestly don't know what to say to help you. I want to hug you and I've never met you. I admire your quick wit, writing skills and your honest openness in dealing with depression. I couldn't help but think back to my most depressing time in my life and at the time I had 2 kids too (You do have 2 kids right?) I was suicidal and did some stupid things. Luckily my husband changed jobs so he could help out more and we moved to another city. I guess a fresh start. But I don't want you to move and I don't know that moving is the answer. It was a long process. It has helped now that the kids are older and some grown.My coping skills have improved. I know what you mean about "getting above" it. It used to make me so mad that I would be in such a funk and for what? Don't beat yourself up over it (been there, done that, does no good)
    I saw a quote at the New YOrk Historical Museum right after the 9-11 incident by a Rabbi. "we put one foot in front of the other and walk among the living" I know sometimes we feel zombie like but I think eventually the atoning sacrifice of our Savior sets in and that peace comes to our mind and we can become functional again.
    Well I said alot for not knowing what to say. I hope you understand my mumble jumble and read between the lines in that you are an incredible person with great gifts and this is happening to you for a reason. I just feel really bad for you now but I know you can conquer this. I wish I could make it all go away, but this is your trial, your lot in life and I know it won't be forever.
    My prayers are with you girl. <3

    Rachel B said...

    Keli, I had a really bad case of seasonal depression this year. It was the most severe that I had ever had...I was desperate and tried acupuncture. It really helped. Have you tried that?

    Nurse Heidi said...

    Huge-mungous hugs from here. My cousin has a blog about her depression experience that's really very enlightening. Might help you to realize that you're not alone with your crazy feelings and that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel -

    Kathie said...

    Sounds like your new medication hasn't quite kicked in yet or your body is still adjusting. That coming from a person with absolutley no medical degree! I wish you lived closer too cause I'd be right there crying too. Actually I'd be MORE concerned if you never cried at all. Take a break with a big DC and a funny movie and let the housework sit for a day-you deserve it :)

    Meg & Josh said...

    Lots of good advice has been given. Know that we all love you and support you and are keeping you in our prayers. Love you so much!!!!!!!

    grannybabs said...

    You are in my prayers too - and I have no good advice - I have seldom suffered from depression so I'm not much help - but if knowing that others care helps, then know that this other cares!!

    And when the lesson comes to you, you will say, "Ah, that's what it was!"

    And then you will know.

    I'm still looking for a lot of answers!

    Stacy O said...

    You've had a lot of change over the past year or two-moving to a new state and then losing your mom. I think it's completely normal to feel this way. Sending you lots of prayers and happy thoughts. :)

    grannybabs said...

    And I think the time change could contribute - it really does me in every time and I'm a pretty upbeat kind of person - but the time change can get me down.

    Just a thought.

    Eliza said...

    So cute about Gretta in the big bed! I hope she is still sleeping well in it!

    And about the depression...I am so, so, sorry. I have limited experience with depression and it was only for a few months; once I figured out it was hormonal (my birth-control pill) I was able to put a stop to it. But it was so awful. Everything just seems kind of hazy and dim. I am thinking of you and hope you can rise above it soon.

    And sooner or later, you will. You have so many friends and family that love you! And of course a Heavenly Father and Savior who love you too. Maybe this will help somewhat:

    "He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord God will wipe away tears from off all faces." -Isaiah 25:8

    I know that it's true.

    Kylie said...

    I've been dealing with it the past couple of months too Keli! So I can totally sympathize. I totally cried all day Friday and couldn't figure out why. The weather really affects me though so I'm just trying to get to spring. I'm thinking about you! Hope you feel better!

    And WOW about Gretta! She's so cute. :)