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    Monday, January 19, 2009


    There are good days. Days when I can almost forget. There are bad days, days when I get those twinges of sorrow, but they pass without incident. Then there are days like yesterday. Days when the grief is utterly consuming, overwhelming, and crippling. It hit me hard yesterday. And of all places, it was during Sacrament meeting, during the opening hymn. It was the last 3 verses of "If You Could Hie To Kolob", I mean really, who ever really sings the last 2 verses, anyway? Well, our little Ward likes to sing the entire song, of every song, and yesterday the words really hit hard.

    The works of God continue, And worlds and lives abound;
    Improvement and progression Have one eternal round.
    There is no end to matter; There is no end to space;
    There is no end to spirit; There is no end to race.

    There is no end to virtue; There is no end to might;
    There is no end to wisdom; There is no end to light.
    There is no end to union; There is no end to youth;
    There is no end to priesthood; There is no end to truth.

    There is no end to glory; There is no end to love;
    There is no end to being; There is no death above.
    There is no end to glory; There is no end to love;
    There is no end to being; There is no death above.

    As I sat sobbing, unable to get a grip on my emotions, I started to think why this particular day was so much harder than all the other days. For one reason, it has been nearly 5 months now, and the grief still gets me. 5 months has flown by, and I worry that the next 5 years will fly by just as quickly, and that I may lose some of the essence of what made Mom Mom. What if I forget the way she talked? What if I forget her smell? What if I said the wrong things or did the wrong things, and she can't forgive me? The other reason I came up with, is the fact that I am basically unmedicated at this particular juncture in my life. This is something I haven't dealt with in over 8 years. Due to some reasons I'd rather not get into, I've decided it's time to change my prescription, and in order to do that, I had to leave on behind, and pick up another, leaving a gap in between. It's not a pretty sight. But let me tell you, it's not a pretty feeling, either.

    As I sat sobbing, even through the youth speaker and the Bishop's testimony, it was as if these last 5 months were hitting me raw for the first time. I've been feeling all of this grief from behind a medication screen, and now, they are hitting full force. It's like the diagnosis, suffering and death all over again, only this time I don't have my siblings there to share the sorrow with. It makes me grateful for the blessing of being together during all of that the first time. But it makes me sad that Sugar Daddy can't feel what I feel, because he wasn't there. I know he hurts too, but it's not the same. I felt lonely. But I'm giving it another couple of days, the new medication will kick in, and all will be well again. Hopefully.


    15 Response(s):

    Jill Johnson said...

    Here is the beginning of good news. It has been almost 6 months. See, one snuck by when you weren't looking. Hang in there. Mom is proud of everything you do whether you think it is wrong or not. I love you. Wish I could be with you.

    Amber said...

    If I try to say anything, it will just sound trivial, I don't know what it's like to lose a parent yet, but I can imagine it will be every bit as devastating as you describe.

    I'm sorry Keli.... Is there anything I can do?

    Anonymous said...

    Keli,I was a friend of your moms and I have followed your blog for a long time. I have lost both parents and my husband. This all happened within 5 years and I had to be heavily medicated to get through each day, so I can so relate. Mourning is such an indivdual thing. What would help one person won't neccessarily be helpful to you. After I lost my hubby I too kept thinking what if I forget this or that about him,I was so afraid that I actually made a list. That list not only consisted of what kind of toothpaste he used (which was Ultra Brite because he read in a consumer magazine that it was the best and cheapest)to the way he ate a piece of pie(from the big end to the point,he said it fit better in his stomach that way).
    I have been glad to have that list,I share it with our grands,the ones he never knew and also the ones he did.But it is comforting and I love reading it because it was written at a time when I was truely vunerable,sincere
    and things very fresh on my mind. I don't know you, but just from your blog I can tell you are a wonderful mom and wife and your mom will always be with you and will continue to be proud of you. Take each day as it comes, it has been 7 years in March and I still have some very bad days,but the good days out number the bad now instead of the other way around.
    May God bless you and your family!

    DAY said...

    I love that song, but it's the type of song that lowers your lows and highers your highs. I'm sorry you're feeling an immeasurable amount of pain...but remember, you don't have to suffer alone...even tho your fam. is not around, you know who is and has already suffered the pain you're feeling. The Lord was left alone in the most terrible way, so he knows and understands. Even better, He is willing and ready for you to hand the pain over to him.

    Larissa said...

    I'm sorry Keli.

    Nurse Heidi said...

    Oh Keli...I understand a bit of it. My doc sent me home with a sample of Zoloft. I looked at that box every day for months, trying to decide if I could handle my grief and pain, or if it was worse than the day before. I never did crack it open, but sometimes I think I should have. But on the other hand, I didn't want to dull those emotions. I felt like in order to heal, I needed to feel the depth of that sadness. Oh it's so hard.

    Every time someone chooses Families Can Be Together Forever as the song, I cringe. We sang that at Elizabeth's funeral. It's a wonderful song, but I cry every single time.

    You'll find that your pain will heal like a wound - leaving behind a scar that's a daily reminder, but eventually it won't be as raw as it is now. Hang in there, friend.

    Kalli Ko said...

    so sorry keli, i'm glad you have enough in you to at least write it down.

    Tami Allred said...

    I just want to give you a big hug.

    Kathie said...

    Keli did you go cold turkey on the meds? I remember when I did and I cried through "I know that my Redeemer lives" Alex thought I was totally loosing it--which I was--hang in there, "This too will pass." :)

    Meg & Josh said...

    Hang in there! I wish so much that I could come be with you!

    I sometimes think the same things. What if I forget? This morning, I used K-Pak, and all the memories of her washing her hair in the sink came flooding back. I learned that we don't lose those memories, we just don't remember them until we have something that reminds us of them. I can't always remember her voice, but I can always remember the things she told me. Mortal life does hold memories, but some fade, but we are lucky to have a little piece of her with all of us. The veil is thin, she is with us, I know it.

    Eliza said...

    I am sorry. I know your mother is near you and watching over you. Feel better soon. It'll happen. :)

    nikkipicky said...

    Tears running down my cheeks...(Compassion and Empathy) Even in sadness you express your thoughts and feelings so eloquantly.

    It's true, the sadness never goes completely away. But it lies dormant sorta, until some memory or personal need brings it all to the surface. Where we deal with it, EMBRACE it and then tuck it away again until the next time, or the time after that and so on.

    grannybabs said...

    I love that song - and they never sing it in our little ward!! And if they do, they only sing the first 3 verses. I have not suffered a great loss, so I find the words hopeful and uplifting.

    And I can't think of a better place to "lose it" than in the house of the Lord!!

    You are always in my prayers - and they are prayers for peace for you.

    Shar said...

    I hope you start feeling better soon.

    Kelli said...

    Miss you, Hope you are feeling better. I haven't had a good week this week either. What's up! I think it is the yucky weather and being cooped up in our houses.