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    Tuesday, June 17, 2008

    No Words

    Hello, blog friends. I'm back for a short stint as a blogger again. Only this time I reappear a different woman. Remember all that mumbo jumbo about a creative renewal, blah blah blah? Yeah, do I have a story for you. I guess you could say I got what I asked for, and much, much more. Lucky me. And for the record, this computer has no spell check, so I apologize in advance.

    Where do I begin? Should I get right to it or string you along with the memories that litter my brain of what went on that particular night? String you along, you say? Okay, whatever floats your boat.

    Here's what I saw. Father's Day night. Around midnight, in fact. A very full, bright moon. Ants circling the kitchen floor. For some reason my eyes and brain were fixated on those ants. I couldn't tear them away. They just circled and circled, and had not a care in the world. If only I could have felt what those ants felt at that moment, instead of what was about to drop onto my soul. I heard words coming from the other end of the phone. I understood the words, but I didn't, all at the same time. I heard myself saying things like "how big?" and "where is it?" and "how much time?", but the answers didn't register. Honestly, that voice could have told me I'd won the lottery, and it wouldn't have mattered. My life was different. In a flood of nausea and pounding ears, I heard myself scream for my sister. I felt my feet on the floor, but nothing else. I felt my head in my hands, and the cold tile on my soles, and I heard the dog door swing as one of the poodles jumped exitedly through it. But still, I was numb. The details are easy to remember. They are burnt into my memory as fresh as the birth of my children. But it's the words, the reality, the knowing, that are all just feelings. I know I felt a strange sense of calm, and then a subsequent urgency to call my brother and sister to come and be with us, even though it was the middle of the night. We sat outside, smelling the damp summer grass, and hearing the swing squeak as we lightly rocked and reflected on our situation. There were many tears, and surprising bursts of laughter, dotted with bouts of anger and frustration. There was prayer, and more tears, and then finally exhaustion.

    This doesn't happen to me. We are not those people. I am not the one whose children will be raised without a grandparent.

    But it seems I just may be. And it sucks. I'm pissed. And yet, I'm well aware of a strange chain of small miracles that have been happening over the last year or so to prepare me just for this situation.

    I don't understand why She has been chosen to travel this road. I cannot fathom that in the preexistence she would have chosen to leave her family at such a young age. And yet I can. I can't understand that she is fine with it. And for some reason I feel fine with it as long as I'm around her. How is it that she is the one with Pancreatic Cancer with Liver metastises, and she is the one buoying us all up? I know how, it's because She's just that way. She always has been.
    She is the caregiver, not the care receiver. And even in her yellow state, she still wants to make sure we know where the money for groceries is, and that she needs a draw for so-and-so at the office. She's just that way.

    I'm still numb. I'm still pissed. And I'm still in awe of Her strength and beauty. If anyone can make yellow skin fashionable, it's her. She is wonderful.

    I love you , mom.


    For an update on what's going on with the cancer situation, please check our new blog, Cancer Sucks, and feel free to comment.

    16 Response(s):

    Kalli Ko said...

    oh hell...

    I'm so so so so so sorry.

    I'll be thinking about and praying for your mom.

    Kirsten said...

    What a shocker. I think that the name of the cancer blog sums it up. We'll definately keep you and your mom in your prayers.

    Min said...

    Tell your mom we're praying for her. And we'll watch the blogs for updates. We love you Kel!

    Jenny said...

    I hope you don't mind me posting a comment. I found you blog address from Michelle's blog.
    I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Take care!
    ~Jen (Ollis) Davis

    Eliza said...

    Oh no. My mom and I are sitting here reading this and feeling so sad. I'm so sorry to hear about this! You are in our prayers!

    Larissa said...

    Keli,
    I heard today. I have been so terribly sad. Your post made me cry so much. I am so very sorry for all of you. I have been thinking about your entire family all day today. You will all be in our prayers. Your mom is an amazing person and she really is wonderful! Please call me and let me know if any of you need ANYTHING or if I can help in any way.

    Laryl said...

    Janet just told me the news! I'm SO sorry! "No Words" is exactly right! You will all be in our prayers.

    amy k said...

    Keli, All I can say is I'm sorry and you are in our prayers also. I wish I could help out in some way.....

    Love, Amy

    Kylie said...

    I'm so sorry Keli. That sucks so much! You are also in my prayers.

    b. brae said...

    keli - i am very sad and very sorry.


    i am sending prayers to you, your mom and your family.

    Michelle said...

    I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I knew her back when Meg and I were in Elementary school. She would help out with school events. She is such a sweet lady and I wish her the best. You and your family our in our prayers. Let me know if there is anything I can do.

    Love you.

    Laura said...

    Keli, I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you and your family. I am so glad that you are here with your family right now.

    Kate said...

    Hang in there girl. We're thinking about you and your family.

    Meg said...

    My feelings exactly, without the ants part. :) Love you, and I am SO glad you were here!

    Stacy O said...

    Keli-
    I found your blog quite a while back, not even sure how I found you now that I think about it. I enjoy your blog and your awesome sense of humor.

    Anyway I just wanted to send you a hug and let you know I am praying for your family.
    -Stacy

    Shar said...

    Cancer does suck. I'm so sorry. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.